The Only Movie Review Site You'll Ever need --- Monster: The Prehistoric Project
The Only Movie Review Site You'll Ever need --- Monster: The Prehistoric Project
Year: 2015
IMDB Rating: 1.5 out of 10 stars (so you know it's going to be good!!!!)
Link so you can enjoy the wonderful movie yourself: Monster:The Prehistoric Project
Directed by - Lisa Palencia (and stars in! You know this is going to be a great movie!! She may have written it!!!)
About - Two Navy SEALS are sent to an abandoned island to retrieve a package, but instead of being the hunters, they find they are being hunted. They find a camera in the hands of a dead man, and they learn they are being stalked by a giant predator.
Length: 1 hour 20 minutes (Really!! I know!! Perfect length!!!! For so much movie magic!!!)
You know a movie is going to be a good one when the director also is one of the stars.
Welcome to another review. It's a slow Monday night and we have found a winner above all winners. Who needs Jurassic Park when you got Monster: The Prehistoric Project!!??
Anyways, I haven't hit play yet, and I've already wet myself just from the cover art.
Look at that scary beast!! EEK!!!
So much blood and carnage, you know the movie itself is going to be awesome.
Bet the script took 20, maybe even 30 minutes to write!!!
Here's the trailer --- So scary!!!
Tagline - Look who is crashing the party!
And it's from Tomcat Films so you know this picture is going to rock!!!!
1st scene, you get a Blair Witch Project like, "found video", the man looks into the camera and says, "Thank you, for showing me all this film stuff", no sir, thank you, for providing such movie magic and make me want to keep watching, only 5 seconds into the picture show (not counting the Tiberius Film log, then Tomcat logo, followed by Platinum Assassin Production logo....three, count em three, film companies were involved in the production of this masterpiece!!!!)
Then we get to the plot --- "look! Bones!!" solider 1 says, monotone, greatest actor ever in my book but then solider 2 steps up, without even looking down, "Human!" Boom, Academy Award, why didn't this film win Film of the Year?
Not even 2 minutes in and I'm glued to the screen, the dinosaur at the beginning pitches the film but the acting sells it for the big money ($12.50!!!!)
And the lines get better from there. From the dynamic runaway scene to "Do you think it was some kind of experiment gone amuck?" You'll wonder that yourself, about this movie!
A little over 5 minutes into the film, and the two soldiers have found a nice lean to shelter to duck under.
Soldier one being the brightest of the two goes, "Looks like somebody has been living here!" which I reply, dead pan to the camera, "You think?"
Soldier two finds a laptop where he is squatted down and says, "I wonder if it fires up!"
Somehow by the miracle of movie magic, laptop powers up and soldier two goes, "Maybe we can see what is on this memory stick drive we found with those bones?"
Maybe, sir, maybe. But first, let me contact base and see if they know what the f*ck is going on. Lisa Palencia, if you read this, I hope you will write and film my movie, Steel Hearts Still Beat!!
And are Solider one and two still in the biz?
I got parts for them in the film too.
I know Tomcat is still producing instant classics!!
Orson Welles had nothing over our Lisa!!!! "Rosebud? We ain't got no time for roses, we got a T-Rex on our asses Mister!!!!"
Script?? We ain't got no time for a script, we got a T-Rex on our asses mister!!"
Stuff just writes itself!!
Suddenly, we find ourselves back to the Blair Witch Project with some student filming himself, zooming in on his junk. I wish we could go back to the island.
We ain't got no time for Blair Witch mother f*cker, we got a T-Rez on our asses Mister!!"
Oh I get it, this break from the soldiers on the island is them watching the student film maker chronicling his "lucky time" spring break which is on the "memory stick drive" they found next to the unlucky skeleton corpse of said student.
Thanks Lisa for making me think through the plot, sudden breakaways with no explanation except for, well shit, there's no explanation whatsoever.
Clever film magic there lady!!!!! Hard cut to black, f*ck that fade to shit!!!
I just sit here and wonder, "Who da f*ck wrote this!?! And why aren't they big time movie producer!?" It's like, "What?" then the film says f*ck you child!!! And sends you down the rabbit hole head first.
Hard cut.
Soldiers are now in a tin shed. Where da hell did it come from? Did students build it? Another memory stick disk.
Hard cut.
Two people making out. Hawt babe!
 |
| Monster: The Prehistoric Project --- Sexy scene |
F*ck yea!! Slip her the tongu.....shaddup Student filmmaker. Nobody wants to hear about the flight this afternoon!!!
Did I mention the techno loop playing in the background as douchebag speaks and then continues to make out with bimbo 1?
Oh yeah baby, it's there.
And tits.....
And asses!!!
Spring break on Dinosaur Island f*cking rules!!!!!!
Just to let you know, in classic Tomcat production, the movie could have been cut down to about 50 minutes if that but damn it, you need to see ladies sliding down poles, upside down, all around even the guys go sliding down the pole, forever, doesn't move the plot along but I think the plot was lost during the forty beer lunch Lisa had while writing the "Script".
(Psst. There was no script!!!)
Hard cuts to the soldiers every few minutes so you don't forget this is not Girls Gone Wild: Dinosaur Island but a movie, that had a budget, I'll assume and even production companies. Yes, companies.
OH JESUS!! Film guy's girlfriend wants him to film them "making love"!!!! Oh yea baby, lets skip that mofo plane, and those mofo dinosaurs and make "love" and by love, I mean, 3 minutes then I go boop and who needs a f*cking plot of some dinosaur island killing ground!!!
(why did we need to pad this film to 1 hour and 20 minutes? "Cause it looks good on the box!!" Lisa giggles!!!)
We try to continue on, our viewer, me, is beginning to wonder if the plot of this movie was lost again on Boner Island.
Just to warn you, the viewer, potential or otherwise, the sex scenes are intense, like watching your mom and dad try to have sex, with their underwear on back when they went to school.
Think about that the next time you see them.
OH MY GAWD! THE HORROR!!!
~Flees off stage~
I kid, I will continue to watch this film, for you, my 2 readers, so you don't have to go in blindly, like I did, to witness, whatever the hell it is these people are doing.
Remember kids, no cell phones on the airplane.
"Why not?"
Hell if I know but after that painful sex scene, I'm ready to get on the plane and head into the storm.
And maybe die.
Oh sweet death, how I wish for your embrace!
(Lisa, call me, I'll help you write your next movie!!!! Monster II --- Return to Monster Island!!! Dick Johnson as Sgt. Slaughter!!! See? I can make movie magic too!!!)
(We're 28 minutes into this masterpiece and so far, 1 dinosaur from the knees down and a grrr chase away sound. But lots of tits and asses!! Thanks Tomcat Production, another quality film for your HUGE library of films!!!!)
By the way, the category for this film is "Horror" and boy did they get that right!! The plane scene should be on the list of "Top ten film plane crashes" EVER!!!
Struck by lightning?
I bet!
"What are we going to do?" girl 1 cries.
"Die!" replies bitchy bitch gripes.
Shaddup bitchy bitch but yeah, we're going to die on this f*cking island!!!
"Where pilot?"
Who f*cking knows!!!
VAPORIZED I bet!!
Har! Har!
And yea Bitchy Bitch why didn't you grab your f*cking bag when exiting the plane? Bet you have food in that mofo!!!
Bitch!!!
Advice: Don't take vacation advice from Fred. Good advice Bitchy Bitch. Good advice!!!
WE GONNA DIE ON THIS F*CKING ISLAND!!!!!!
But lets wait a few minutes before heading back to camp.
Cause well....
Uh...nice shed!! *Dinosaur roar* A really nice shed.
Open in front.
No way no dino going to get in here.
No way, no how.
We'll wait!!!
*Dramatic pause....or somebody forgot their next line....*
After awhile, Bitchy Bitch decides to leave and well....we'll miss that Bitch!! We kinda hoped she'd get off the island and start that tattoo and piercing shop!!!
All we have left is Bitch's leg.
Well, it doesn't really look anything like her leg, but we find it near the door to the shed, so we take it, as proof, that Bitch (aka Sally!!) has been killed and eaten by we'll assume dinosaur.
Poor Sally.
We'll mourn you Sally, we shall!!!
Now we run away from the shed. Film geek and Douche who is holding the leg.
As proof.
"Wha?"
Shaddup and we'll continue watching this masterpiece.
(You thought you were going to get a sweet, short review, like ten minutes of blabbering instead of the whole movie put into text so you could talk to anyone about this wonderful film!!! HA! HA!!! Live my hell sweetheart!!!)
BIG FIGHT SCENE!! *Boof* YAY!!!!
(Sally was played by Lisa Palencia --- I did not know this till I got to her leg scene and seen that's who was playing her. Rest in pieces Sally, rest in pieces!!!!)
SAD SCENE WARNING ---
 |
| Sad Girl Friend reflects on life ---- Dino Island makes you think, right before you die! |
Boyfriend (aka film maker) --- that's sad.
Me (sober which I shouldn't be when watching such classics, crying) ---- THEM BASTARDS!!!
Neighbors (Screaming) ---- Shaddup asshole!! We're trying to watch porn!!!
Anyways, Girl with bad ankle breaks up the Hallmark moment with a "I gotta go pee" moment and asks filmmaker fellow if he will go with her. "Sure lady!! Let me just leave my girlfriend here while I go watch you pee!!"
And he films her too.
Her response "Are you two just a summer fling?"
"I don't know!" he replies.
I fall in love again with filmmaker all over again.
This movie grows on you.
Like a fungus.
Right into your soul.
And makes your pee pee fall off!!
Seriously.
Does this look infected to you?
Anyways, we run back to camp.
"Something took Fred!" girl friend cries, her arm wrapped around Rich Douche Bag who was with Fred gathering firewood at one point but now sit by tree looking, well, looking blankly into nothing, wondering if he should execute his agent for getting him this part!
We get some throwback between the 4 remaining peeps, mostly if they were out there, wouldn't you want someone to come look for you.
It's intense, like, throw your mom from the train and watch her get eaten by a dinosaur intense.
"F*ck man!!"
Yeah.
56 minutes into this film and we're just getting started!!!
"F*ck man!"
You got that right!!!
It is at this point of the film I wonder, "Why did they even need the soldiers? Why God, why!!?"
And God spoke to me, "Because, it'd be a silly rom-com without them!"
"What?"
But seriously, if you cut the scenes out of the soldiers, the movie is kinda watchable, not saying it's a great film but the soldiers are almost like a comic relief in a comedy film, a spoof of a hit movie, one we could laugh at if not for the soldiers who break into hard, not just fade in, and try to analyze what just happened.
We don't need that. We know!
Somebody at Tomcat Production rented Blair Witch Project and Jurassic Park and watched them back to back and then went outside and took a leak.
And hence this movie was born.
But I digress, like this movie does.
Like them, I turned a 1 hour 20 minute movie into a 3 hour long blog. And I'm not done yet, neither is the movie.
"What do we do now?" girl friend asks.
"We head to the bunker!" Film guy responds!
Thanks Film guy!
Wait, isn't that where Bitch died?
I ain't going back there!
CHASE SCENE!!!
Every body runs.
Girlfriend decides to fall down. "My ankle!" she moans.
Film guy being smart keeps running.
"It been fun! It been real! It ain't been real fun!" haha!! I kid. He doesn't say that line.
Film guy and Douche apparently keeps running as other girl stops to help girl friend.
I keep stopping film and writing blog, which I know is becoming less of a review and more of a parody of a movie itself but what you going to do now, you, like me, are already too vested to just hit stop and go to bed.
SWEET JESUS!! Dinosaur!!! Big f*cking dinosaur!!! RUN BITCH!! RUN!!!!
Soldier cuts in for "HOLY SHIT!!" then cuts back to other scene of spring breakers.
And now we're down to three! Pee girl apparently was eaten. I guess.
We're now in the tin shed. Douche wants to make a fire.
With very wet wood.
I guess it wet. Looks dry to me but Film guy says, "It's too wet Douche!!!"
I wish I had some wet wood right now!
NOTE TO READER: I wandered off for a bit, ate some hot chicken wings the lady love brought home from work, talked to her for a bit, drank some Diet Pepsi and enjoyed some trail mix and now I'm ready to continue my adventure in Monster: The Prehistoric Project.
We've only got 19 more minutes left and 3 castaways and apparently the two soldiers. And one mean ass T-Rex who we get hints may have been created by a secret government agency (the FDA!! Ha! ha!)
Yes, yes, film maker guy, lets fall asleep while a f*cking T-Rex lurks around.
And yes dude, telling us about the "No trespassing" signs would have been a good idea BEFORE people got eaten!!!
You had one f*cking job Film maker guy, okay, two, and boom, you dropped the dynamite down the wrong f*cking hole!!!
BIG FIGHT SCENE BETWEEN DOUCHE BAG AND FILM MAKER!!!
Again, Boof. Bam! Uncle Sam!!!
Film maker is the victor!! The crowd goes wild.
T-Rex has an erection!
I kid.
No T-Rex! RAWR!!!
Film maker takes suitcase Douche has been hauling around,
"What's in it?" Film maker asks.
Douche doesn't know. Some guy just gave it to him said, drop it here, and he never looked inside.
Douche smart.
Bet he only one who lives from this movie.
Film maker looks inside.
We get dialogue on how Douche set this whole trip up so he could drop the briefcase off.
"You douche!!" girlfriend yells.
Ha! Ha! I kid. The dialogue ain't much better.
"What's in the case man?" Douche asks Film maker.
"It's a computer hard drive!"
Ooooooooooo........
"It's got a digital display on it! Looks like it's coded!" Film maker continues.
Ahhhhhhh........
HACK THE DINOSAUR!!!! I scream.
The neighbors call the police.
The cops show up.
I show them the movie from the beginning.
They wonder why the soldiers were even included.
"Comic relief!" the neighbor says, watching the film.
We all agree that's why.
Apparently there's a locator on the drive.
Soldiers break in to tell us that.
Then remainder of the spring breakers also tell us.
We begin to root for the T-Rex to come and kill em all off.
BIG CHASE SCENE: I not sure who gets shot but one of spring breakers gets shot, well we hear shot and oh shit, they shot him and then see some soldier guy take briefcase and then OH SHIT!! RAPTORS!!!
Right at the camera.
Two little springbreakers left, running, film maker and girlfriend whose ankle decides to act up again.
RAWR!!!
Bitch you better run or yousa gonna die!!
Footage of raptors eating douche!!!
Rest in peace Douche!!!
No $10,000 for you!!!
(Apparently he was going to be paid $10,000 to deliver the briefcase. He never going to get paid.....)
OH wait, those raptors, they eating soldiers or guards or whatever girlfriend says, we can go get their guns.
Good idea girl friend. Glad you no die yet.
But first, film maker says, lets film our last goodbyes, as this may be our last day on planet Earth, alive.
Oh film maker, take me!!!
So they say good bye, to mom, dad, Joe Kennedy, Ike Turner, Ronald Reagan, the Four Seasons, Frank Sinatra and Doris Day.
Seriously, the goodbye scene is a tear jerker.
"Mom, dad, if you watching this, I'm dead. I'm sorry!" cries girl friend into the camera.
"Mom, dad,......"
I'll cut the tearjerker speech from this already huge blockbuster of a blog.
Apparently, the T-Rex eats both of them as we see the bottom of T-Rex in film and cut back to soldiers.
"Guess that's it!" soldier 1 says to soldier 2.
God I hope so man,but seeing how there's still 6 minutes left I doubt it.
I really do.
Yea soldier 2 that ending really did suck.
I hope it gets better.
Like you two get eaten.
After the end of the students' film, the two soldiers get ready to retrieve the package.
You know, the briefcase.
The one douche was suppose to deliver but didn't.
Stupid douche.
The ending of the film I will let you discover, my readers, as it has to be seen to be believed, all I can say is, Nobody gets out of this movie alive.
END_OF_TRANSMISSION
DECLASSIFIED BLOG RECAP OF EXPERIMENT 9907.
SURVIVORS - NONE
ROLL CREDITS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A BETTER....Oh f*ck, T-Rex!!!!
Hard cut to black, BEEEEEEEP!!!!
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