The Only Movie Review You'll Ever Need: Troy - The Resurrection of Aeneas

The Only Movie Review You'll Ever Need: Troy - The Resurrection of Aeneas (2018)

What a sword!!

Directed by (also written and starred in!!!! You know this is going one hot (mess) of a film!!!) - Aeneas Middleton 

About - About an hour too long!! Har!!!! - The Journey of Aeneas after the Trojan War. Based on the epic poems of the Aeneid by Publius Vergilius Maro.

Length - 100 minutes.  

Rating (according to IMDB) - 1.2 out of 10. You know it's going to be Academy Award winning piece (of donkey poo poo!!!!)

Watch the movie right on YouTube!!!!  ---- click here ---- or watch below!!

Welcome to another movie review, the only movie review site you'll ever need.  

Unlike those other guys, we don't pay to see our movies, because we cheap like that!!

Tonight's lovely endeavor of a film is called Troy: The Resurrection of Aeneas, written, directed and starred in by Aeneas Middleton. 

And produced by Royal Middleton Entertainment.

By the trailer, we just know we are in for a treat and according to Mr. Middleton's LinkedIn's profile, he's a manager at an Outback Steak House, we glad he found something to fall back on until his production of movies and music takes off legit.

"This is the bronze age..." a voice says from the magical forest.

Hello?

"The bronze age!"

I'm scared!! Who saying that?

"Let us not forget the destruction of Troy!!!"

Holy f*ck!!! Who is talking? And why am I listening??

We begin our adventures after the Trojan War, a great adventure of Aeneas as he tries to discover the ultimate cheeseburger.

I think.

The trailer is confusing.

He finds a sword.

Or a CGI sword because his mom wouldn't let him have a real sword.

It sits there, in the sea, except it's not really there but we don't care!

"You forgot to mention how hard it is to hear me doing to the voice over!"

Yeah, it's really hard to hear what I'll assume is Aeneas Middleton doing I believe a reading of an ancient epic poem by a long dead guy.

"Aeneas you ass hole!!!"

Aeneas not only stars, writes, directs, produces but also is costume designer.  He's a man of all trades.

3 minutes and 57 seconds Thor's hammer and a disembodied hand fills the screen, but we still see the venture of the movement of grass.

Why?

I have no clue.

I think this movie needs to be seen while you're high on chemicals you scored from your sister.

The hammer is replaced by Hawkman (I'm not sure the official name but it looks like Hawkman!!!) and the disembodied voice continues to speak.

"Why, why, why..." the voice says, asks?

Yes, why? Why? OH the f*ck why!?!?!

6 minutes and a half in and I realize, I should have gone to film school too, I like taking acid and doing, uh, animation?

I think it's animation.

It could be a bad tribute to Frank Sinatra.

We're not sure.

"It's art man!!!" 

Really?

"Nah!! I just found some cool clip art!!!"

Is Hector really dead?

"Yes!! As is Achilles!!!"

Shit!!!

"Are you really going to watch this entire movie?"

I don't know. Does it get better?

"No!!!!!!"

Apparently, there's a plot.

"Seriously?"

Yea, after the Trojan War, this dude wanders off, going to look for his long lost father.

"Nuh uh!!!"

Yep, according to a comment, a review I read on the IMDB, from a "person who is not the direct et al" but you know it's Aeneas Middleton.

"Man! Not only does he direct, etc. etc. etc. he also writes well thought out reviews too!!! What a guy?"

Are you Aeneas Middleton?

"No!!! I'm Hardley Davidson!! I wrote the awesome sound track for this film!!"

I'll admit, the sound track is awesome. Doesn't fit the film but, don't you also do the voice over in the movie.

"Yep! Good huh?"

It's okay.

"Just okay?"

Yeah. I'm kind of ready to click next movie and wander off.  This movie isn't very good.

"Yeah. Aeneas got a D on it in film school! He should focus on his career as a manager at Outback!"

Yeah. I like Outback.

"Me too!"

Wanna go?

"Sure! But shouldn't we finish this movie?"

Yeah, probably.

*Clicks play*

We sit by the fire.  And sit.

"And listen to my beautiful voice!"

What he said.

I hit skip ahead.

We sit by the fire for five minutes, just watching the flames.

"And listening to me read the poem..."

Yeah.

For five whole minutes.

"Actually more like 7 minutes!"

Yea.

Seriously.

Why didn't Aeneas get an F?

"The teacher didn't believe in Fs!"

We move away from the voice over and now listen to Aeneas do a rant as he walks upstairs.

Such a dramatic rant.

I miss the voice over guy.

"Yep!! I'm not that bad am I?"

More fire.

We didn't get enough camp fire earlier.

"Missing me yet?"

Kinda.

Over 20 minutes of camp fire.

Seriously.

Back to Voiceover and the "CGI found on the Net".  And I decide to end the horror.

"I don't blame you!!!"

There's an added sound track playing for the "Online Stream" that was not on the "Theatrical release" of this film.

Yeah.

There's two version of this film.

Online has some added "Features".

Seriously.

I wish I was joking.

I can't fairly rate this film as my keyboard doesn't have a "WTF" key!

Until next time, I'm out of here!!!!